I've always been told that rain symbolizes a new beginning. It cleanses the air, and washes away the toxins in the earth. As the rain gently knocks on my window pane I can't help but think of this. My mind hasn't been this crowded is many months. I am supposed to start at a new school Friday and take an art class there once a week. I am scared out of my mind. Scared of the many things I was so certain I had conquered. I fear I will sabotage a great opportunity, as it seems, that is what I do best. Why wait for someone else to disappoint you, when you can disappoint yourself in half the time? I have become so comfortable with loneliness because it is better than in a room of people and pretending to smile. Goddamn, I was so sick of pretending that I was alright, that at night I didn't cry until the sun came up and wish the world would crumble. Mostly I fear I am not strong enough to deal with the pain of that wound again, that it will be the final nail in the coffin. I also fear happiness, being comfortable only to have it taken away again. I fear friendship, having no place to hide, no one I can fool with a false smile. It shocks me how I see myself. I see my self as a monster or type of ticking bomb. Feeling the need to warn people of what they are getting themselves into, that I am not easy to be around or call a friend, that I will try to scratch and kick my way away from you to go back into hiding, into the dark lair of my mind where I can be fully sick without harming those around me. This isn't about this one class, its a much bigger issue. One I dont think I will ever conquer. As I fall asleep tonight listening to the steady rain I must remind myself that whenever I chose I can be the rain, and the sun that comes after it.
Noelle H.
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Side Effects
My head hurts and I am feeling spacey as usual. It
is probably because I havent taken my medicine today. I wonder if these
thoughts are just side effects or the medicine covers them up with
chemicals. Thats how I tend to feel about everything lately is it a side
effect, a false feeling or a true feeling? I dont fucking know i'm
confusing my own goddamn self. Listening to a playlist called "songs
that make me cry" probably isnt helping. This blog has somewhat turned into my diary, so I'm sure no one reads these. I'm not sure if that is comforting or concerning.
I feel more alone and frustrated than I ever have. Emotional neglect is the most painful wound I have ever experienced. More than any broken bone,twisted ankle, or cut. To be the problem child for simply being. Everything you do adding to the list of reasons why you are diffucult child, why it makes it hard to be around you. When I think about all the shit I have gone through it is no shock how fucked up I am or how much I hate myself. I was conditioned to, trained to look in the mirror and only see the cellulite,the non-blue eyes and frizzy hair. I hate my mother for every bad thought she put into my head for the past 17 years. It has become appearant to me that people see me and think that nothing is wrong in my life. I remember talking to a consular about my mom and he said that there were other kids with "real problems" like physically abusive parents or who cut patterns into their arms with razors. I had encoutered neglect again and again in my life, by friends but mostly family. It makes me want to numb myself as stupid as that sounds, there has been times when drugs and alcohol seem like a good solution to this side effect of a life. When I let people into my troubles they are shocked, I mean look like I dont have any problems.But like most things I was conditioned to not let others in to my problems, that if you look and speak well they will think all is well the rest is your problem. I feel my anger for my mother building up more and more, almost tangible. Each selfish action she does makes me want to explode with frustration and never talk to her again.
I am one of those people to fish for compliments and affection. It pushes many people away and I dont blame them. When you are denied such simple affection at home you search for it through other ways such as fishing for compliments or flirting the two I am most guilty of. It scares me how much I crave it like a drug. To be approved, but when they say it I never believe them, thats the funny part. You could tattoo my name to your forehead, or be married to me for 30 years and everyday I will still question whether its true or not.
The area where most of my self hatred stems from is my body. I constantly scope around others around me, calculate in my head how much taller they are than me or shorter, how much more or less they weigh, how clear their skin is,etc. Its mentally exhausting to go out in public at times. I see pictures of girls with protruding bones underneath a thin sheet of flesh, sunken eyes and I envy them. I envy the courage and self control to not eat and limit your intake, or stick your finger down your throat after every calorie. I wish I could do the same but I am weak and too cowardly. I know this is unhealthy. I am fat, to me I am plus size more than plus size. My stomach protrudes instead of bones, I am utterly disgusting.
It is 3am, so I am going to go try to sleep.
Noelle
I feel more alone and frustrated than I ever have. Emotional neglect is the most painful wound I have ever experienced. More than any broken bone,twisted ankle, or cut. To be the problem child for simply being. Everything you do adding to the list of reasons why you are diffucult child, why it makes it hard to be around you. When I think about all the shit I have gone through it is no shock how fucked up I am or how much I hate myself. I was conditioned to, trained to look in the mirror and only see the cellulite,the non-blue eyes and frizzy hair. I hate my mother for every bad thought she put into my head for the past 17 years. It has become appearant to me that people see me and think that nothing is wrong in my life. I remember talking to a consular about my mom and he said that there were other kids with "real problems" like physically abusive parents or who cut patterns into their arms with razors. I had encoutered neglect again and again in my life, by friends but mostly family. It makes me want to numb myself as stupid as that sounds, there has been times when drugs and alcohol seem like a good solution to this side effect of a life. When I let people into my troubles they are shocked, I mean look like I dont have any problems.But like most things I was conditioned to not let others in to my problems, that if you look and speak well they will think all is well the rest is your problem. I feel my anger for my mother building up more and more, almost tangible. Each selfish action she does makes me want to explode with frustration and never talk to her again.
I am one of those people to fish for compliments and affection. It pushes many people away and I dont blame them. When you are denied such simple affection at home you search for it through other ways such as fishing for compliments or flirting the two I am most guilty of. It scares me how much I crave it like a drug. To be approved, but when they say it I never believe them, thats the funny part. You could tattoo my name to your forehead, or be married to me for 30 years and everyday I will still question whether its true or not.
The area where most of my self hatred stems from is my body. I constantly scope around others around me, calculate in my head how much taller they are than me or shorter, how much more or less they weigh, how clear their skin is,etc. Its mentally exhausting to go out in public at times. I see pictures of girls with protruding bones underneath a thin sheet of flesh, sunken eyes and I envy them. I envy the courage and self control to not eat and limit your intake, or stick your finger down your throat after every calorie. I wish I could do the same but I am weak and too cowardly. I know this is unhealthy. I am fat, to me I am plus size more than plus size. My stomach protrudes instead of bones, I am utterly disgusting.
It is 3am, so I am going to go try to sleep.
Noelle
Monday, March 17, 2014
The War Against Myself
Writing this is someone difficult and its 4am but I feel like I need to purge these thoughts. I am reluctant to say I have a disorder because to be honest I don't think I do...yet, but if this continues I know I will lose myself to this side of me. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and one little gust of wind will send me into the depths below.
I can't remember the exact moment I decided I was ugly and fat. The thing I can remember is the moments that contributed to this fucked up mentality. Beginning with my mother constantly calling herself,the women on tv, and most of all my sister "fat" "heifers" and "disgusting".Then came the long time "best friend" who used me as her personal dart board, knowing where to throw the darts that hit just the right pressure points, as well as using me as a an example of what not to look like during her Eating Disorder. Constantly making sure to eat less than me, weight less than me, and remind me of this fact if not consciously than physically with her 5ft 11in frame and bones protruding through her skin. The boy who I would've died for, and almost did in years to come, that chose her over me on multiple accounts, and the many boys who fell suit after. I remember I time I used to be able to swat away these thoughts like little gnats, but now they aren't gnats, they are swarms of bee's stinging and living scars. There are days when eating becomes a chore something that has to be done to survive.
When I look into the mirror I see my protruding stomach,my large thighs, stretch marks,ripples of cellulite even thinking about it makes me shudder. I claim to not have a disorder because I dont act on the thoughts. I dont purge through exercise,laxatives or throwing up, I dont count calories or weigh myself daily and dont think I've lost a lot of weight. Part of me is mad at myself for that, screaming "You coward, why cant you do these things. You are a goddamn coward that will die alone and fat." I enjoy food, I love to cook and go out to eat but I dont enjoy guilt. I don't enjoy the disgust with myself as I ponder what I just ate and how much I need to work out. I have tried working out but fear it will become an obsession, like it did for my "best friend". I look at pictures of girls with bones poking out of their bodies and sick sallow faces and a voice says "This could be you if you don't stop this crazy thinking right this moment." but another voice says "This could be you! You could be model skinny! See every collar bone, no more jiggling thighs!". The fighting between these voices exhaust me to the point of becoming physically exhausting making it easier to just sleep away the guilt.
I hope one day I can look at my body and see the beauty in it, the curves and find them beautiful instead of grotesque. I hope to be able to look into my eyes and generally feel like I am beautiful, that I should walk with pride. I dont see that happening anytime soon. I will just keep being trapped in the tornado of my thoughts, slowly becoming more and more obsessed, until it either consumes me or I finally win the battle against myself.
I can't remember the exact moment I decided I was ugly and fat. The thing I can remember is the moments that contributed to this fucked up mentality. Beginning with my mother constantly calling herself,the women on tv, and most of all my sister "fat" "heifers" and "disgusting".Then came the long time "best friend" who used me as her personal dart board, knowing where to throw the darts that hit just the right pressure points, as well as using me as a an example of what not to look like during her Eating Disorder. Constantly making sure to eat less than me, weight less than me, and remind me of this fact if not consciously than physically with her 5ft 11in frame and bones protruding through her skin. The boy who I would've died for, and almost did in years to come, that chose her over me on multiple accounts, and the many boys who fell suit after. I remember I time I used to be able to swat away these thoughts like little gnats, but now they aren't gnats, they are swarms of bee's stinging and living scars. There are days when eating becomes a chore something that has to be done to survive.
When I look into the mirror I see my protruding stomach,my large thighs, stretch marks,ripples of cellulite even thinking about it makes me shudder. I claim to not have a disorder because I dont act on the thoughts. I dont purge through exercise,laxatives or throwing up, I dont count calories or weigh myself daily and dont think I've lost a lot of weight. Part of me is mad at myself for that, screaming "You coward, why cant you do these things. You are a goddamn coward that will die alone and fat." I enjoy food, I love to cook and go out to eat but I dont enjoy guilt. I don't enjoy the disgust with myself as I ponder what I just ate and how much I need to work out. I have tried working out but fear it will become an obsession, like it did for my "best friend". I look at pictures of girls with bones poking out of their bodies and sick sallow faces and a voice says "This could be you if you don't stop this crazy thinking right this moment." but another voice says "This could be you! You could be model skinny! See every collar bone, no more jiggling thighs!". The fighting between these voices exhaust me to the point of becoming physically exhausting making it easier to just sleep away the guilt.
I hope one day I can look at my body and see the beauty in it, the curves and find them beautiful instead of grotesque. I hope to be able to look into my eyes and generally feel like I am beautiful, that I should walk with pride. I dont see that happening anytime soon. I will just keep being trapped in the tornado of my thoughts, slowly becoming more and more obsessed, until it either consumes me or I finally win the battle against myself.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I Know Its Over
His voice wraps around my soul and grasps tight leaving me breathless.
If only he came back to me.
With his angelic eyes filled with such sorrow it left you bruised.
He had a drug to kill every pain but silence.
He pushed away the person who would’ve saved him.
But I guess that was the mistake,
thinking he would want to be saved.
I tried,
Goddamn did I try.
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Journey To Self Acceptance:Body Image
I apologize for my absence as usual but my life and school has been crazy as always. Since we are on the topic of apologies I also apologize for the cheesy title but I wasn't sure what else to name this so we will just have to deal with it, as well as this being all over the place.Anyways! Lets begin!
I have had a low self esteem/self image since I can remember, I feel as though I was trained to hate myself. I mean how could I not? I was (and still am) reminded on a daily basis of all of my faults by my mother,society, and the media. I was taught that loving yourself was selfish and narcissistic. As well others opinions were priority to yours. That's why I use the word trained because like soldiers who are trained to battle, I was trained to battle with myself because it would grow character and make me strong in the end.
Lets start with the biggest influence to my self image, my mother. But it isn't only her who I blame but my father as well. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother yelling at my sister who did ballet and telling her that she was fat,talentless,lazy and it wasn't a mystery why she never got lead parts. Along with that my mother is very critical of others, especially strangers. Whether it's someone on TV,herself,or a stranger in public there is always a negative comment. Before I knew the reason behind this I thought that she was secretly trying to tell me something about me she didn't like but just projecting it on strangers. Where my father comes in on all of this is he does it as much as she does, and when my mother is extremely critical of me or my sister my dad does nothing. He just gets up and leaves,leaving us to be an easy target and direct hit for our mother's rage. I remember in 8th grade health we had a week on eating disorders, and our teacher said something that made a switch turn on in my head, he said, "Parents don't realize what they say about their own and others bodies their children can't help but think the same about their own." Why this was so important to me was I realized that I wasn't crazy for feeling that what my mother was saying was about me. As well that my mother was a big source of my self hatred.
When I got into my teens (middle school-high school) society and media started having a biggest impact on my self image. Being tall (5ft 9in) I was always known as "tall and skinny" and that if I was tall I had to be skinny as well or else I didn't fit. With the rise of commercials about how embarrassing/ugly pimples are or how having glasses (which I had all through middle school) makes you unsuccessful I felt like my natural self wasn't good enough. Middle school was also when my interest in fashion increased, I couldn't help but being bombarded with pictures of stick thin models who had perfect skin and cheekbones that could kill. I began to become obsessed with the industry and models, I wanted to be the picture on the cover. I would look up the current models like Karlie Kloss,Coco Rocha,Lindsey Wixson,Daphne Groeneveld,etc and calculate how much taller they were than me, how much smaller their measurements were than mine. I began restricting what I ate, eating only 1-2 meals a day.I have thought about going into modeling but have always said I wasn't pretty enough, or skinny enough, and still feel that way. I know now there are healthy ways to stay fit/slim and it isn't about being model skinny, but healthy.
Okay this is the final paragraph, I swear. If you don't read all of this at least read this paragraph because this is probably the most important one. I've gone over all the things that fueled my self hatred but how do we get to self acceptance? Well my friend, that's the hard part but I will try and help and share some things that through therapy and life I have realized. Learning to love yourself won't be easy and it won't be a quick thing. You have to basically reprogram the way you think and start over. This is the only body you have sure they're are things like plastic surgery but no amount of surgery will change your brain. Find the beauty in imperfections and how your imperfections are what make you unique. Don't see them as faults but as little things that make up who you are. Your love for yourself can't be conditional, you can't only love yourself for only the good days, or all the things that you like about yourself, it just isn't realistic. Accept the things you can't change and work to improve the things you can. For example I hate my skin, its terrible and acne ridden. That's something I can change though and work to improve. Something like your height isn't as easy, you have to tell yourself every time that voice comes up telling you how short/tall you are that it doesn't control you and you were born this way (insert lady gaga dance break) there is nothing you can do to change it so why hate yourself for it? Your height,weight, and features do not define you as a person and you shouldn't stand by and let them dictate your life. You don't control what you were born with but you control how you feel about it and how you learn to love and accept it. There are too many people in this world who will try to break you down or make you feel inferior, you can't be one of them.
“You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg
I have had a low self esteem/self image since I can remember, I feel as though I was trained to hate myself. I mean how could I not? I was (and still am) reminded on a daily basis of all of my faults by my mother,society, and the media. I was taught that loving yourself was selfish and narcissistic. As well others opinions were priority to yours. That's why I use the word trained because like soldiers who are trained to battle, I was trained to battle with myself because it would grow character and make me strong in the end.
Lets start with the biggest influence to my self image, my mother. But it isn't only her who I blame but my father as well. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother yelling at my sister who did ballet and telling her that she was fat,talentless,lazy and it wasn't a mystery why she never got lead parts. Along with that my mother is very critical of others, especially strangers. Whether it's someone on TV,herself,or a stranger in public there is always a negative comment. Before I knew the reason behind this I thought that she was secretly trying to tell me something about me she didn't like but just projecting it on strangers. Where my father comes in on all of this is he does it as much as she does, and when my mother is extremely critical of me or my sister my dad does nothing. He just gets up and leaves,leaving us to be an easy target and direct hit for our mother's rage. I remember in 8th grade health we had a week on eating disorders, and our teacher said something that made a switch turn on in my head, he said, "Parents don't realize what they say about their own and others bodies their children can't help but think the same about their own." Why this was so important to me was I realized that I wasn't crazy for feeling that what my mother was saying was about me. As well that my mother was a big source of my self hatred.
When I got into my teens (middle school-high school) society and media started having a biggest impact on my self image. Being tall (5ft 9in) I was always known as "tall and skinny" and that if I was tall I had to be skinny as well or else I didn't fit. With the rise of commercials about how embarrassing/ugly pimples are or how having glasses (which I had all through middle school) makes you unsuccessful I felt like my natural self wasn't good enough. Middle school was also when my interest in fashion increased, I couldn't help but being bombarded with pictures of stick thin models who had perfect skin and cheekbones that could kill. I began to become obsessed with the industry and models, I wanted to be the picture on the cover. I would look up the current models like Karlie Kloss,Coco Rocha,Lindsey Wixson,Daphne Groeneveld,etc and calculate how much taller they were than me, how much smaller their measurements were than mine. I began restricting what I ate, eating only 1-2 meals a day.I have thought about going into modeling but have always said I wasn't pretty enough, or skinny enough, and still feel that way. I know now there are healthy ways to stay fit/slim and it isn't about being model skinny, but healthy.
Okay this is the final paragraph, I swear. If you don't read all of this at least read this paragraph because this is probably the most important one. I've gone over all the things that fueled my self hatred but how do we get to self acceptance? Well my friend, that's the hard part but I will try and help and share some things that through therapy and life I have realized. Learning to love yourself won't be easy and it won't be a quick thing. You have to basically reprogram the way you think and start over. This is the only body you have sure they're are things like plastic surgery but no amount of surgery will change your brain. Find the beauty in imperfections and how your imperfections are what make you unique. Don't see them as faults but as little things that make up who you are. Your love for yourself can't be conditional, you can't only love yourself for only the good days, or all the things that you like about yourself, it just isn't realistic. Accept the things you can't change and work to improve the things you can. For example I hate my skin, its terrible and acne ridden. That's something I can change though and work to improve. Something like your height isn't as easy, you have to tell yourself every time that voice comes up telling you how short/tall you are that it doesn't control you and you were born this way (insert lady gaga dance break) there is nothing you can do to change it so why hate yourself for it? Your height,weight, and features do not define you as a person and you shouldn't stand by and let them dictate your life. You don't control what you were born with but you control how you feel about it and how you learn to love and accept it. There are too many people in this world who will try to break you down or make you feel inferior, you can't be one of them.
“You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Dear Schools..
(This does not apply to all schools/high schools but it does apply to many I know. I am angry so expect some foul language. I think it is appropriate.)
Dear Schools,
Dear Schools,
You are constantly wondering why students don’t come to you when they were suicidal or upset, or with a mental health issue. I will tell you why. They are scared. They have a right to be with what you do to them when they actually do trust you. You know what you do when a student says they are suicidal? You kick them out of your precious school. Why? I ask myself the same too. Because you don’t want to be that school. You know what I mean. That school with the student who jumped off a bridge and everyone says “why didn’t they do something." . You rather have them feel alone then “poison" your reputation. Another thing. Maybe if you got your head out of your asses and worried less about your goddamn attendance record and more about the mental welfare of your students things would change. Instead of treating them like a delinquent or even worse just a kid. The truth is no matter how much you want to lie to yourself and say that we couldn’t do anything maybe think fucking twice. This IS a problem and a big one. They way that I personally was treated when I told my school I had a mental problem, an illness, something that was eating me up inside was heartbreaking and I don’t want ANYONE to feel like I did. I was told it was just a phase treated as if I did this to myself, I choose to have panic attacks every morning and wake up wishing I wasn’t alive. I was threatened and sent many court notices. I even had a doctors note and that wasn’t enough for your sorry asses. Stop dismissing the problem as “well they are just being a teenager". It fucking does nothing but make them feel worse. If this doesn’t apply to your school then I am so glad you are the few of the schools of have gotten their shit together and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Luckily I got out of my high school and onto an online school for the time being. To my highschool I would just like to say one last fuck you. (Minus the few of people who did understand you are the best and I’m sorry you have to work there.)
P.S.
If you are reading this and this applies to your school feel free to talk to me. Or if you have any sort of issue or something you need advice on I am here to help as much as I can. Know that schools cater to the majority of people. There is nothing wrong with being outside of that majority of people no matter how your school makes you feel about it. You are a creative individual who is going through a tough time that will make you so much stronger though it may feel like a disability. You know you best and don’t let anyone tell you different.
P.S.
If you are reading this and this applies to your school feel free to talk to me. Or if you have any sort of issue or something you need advice on I am here to help as much as I can. Know that schools cater to the majority of people. There is nothing wrong with being outside of that majority of people no matter how your school makes you feel about it. You are a creative individual who is going through a tough time that will make you so much stronger though it may feel like a disability. You know you best and don’t let anyone tell you different.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
(lack of) Mental Illness Education
Something upsets me on a daily basis and that is how the school treated me and continues to treat others who suffer from mental illness. Not only school but society in general. While I was in “normal school" (i am enrolled in online school atm) and started to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks the school treated me differently. They treated me as if I was an inconvenience and that I was crazy. They had in their mind this was just some behavior I was choosing to do to get back at them or some shit. Basically punish me and my parents for something I could not control. When I would go to teachers who said I could talk to them about anything about my mental state and how I was feeling, I was either shunned away and told to just deal with it or that they had already made changes for me so why should they make more? I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. It simply is frustrating. Society doesn’t take mental disorders seriously. As there is a part of society that uses mental disorders as adjectives. For example “I lost my phone, I’m so depressed." Which when a depressed person hears this they become extremely frustrated because that isn’t remotely close to the feeling of depression and when they tell others how they have been suffering from it they take it lightly. Also calling someone who has a mental disorder crazy or psycho EVEN IF YOU ARE JOKING is never okay. Also teachers if a kid is getting bullied simply just saying “ignore them" is not going to solve the problem. Action needs to be taken. Most kids who had been mistreated by school systems like I had resort to other alternatives like online school. But what if they didn't have to? Maybe it is better they do and stop being in schools where ignorance is a trend.
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