I've always been told that rain symbolizes a new beginning. It cleanses the air, and washes away the toxins in the earth. As the rain gently knocks on my window pane I can't help but think of this. My mind hasn't been this crowded is many months. I am supposed to start at a new school Friday and take an art class there once a week. I am scared out of my mind. Scared of the many things I was so certain I had conquered. I fear I will sabotage a great opportunity, as it seems, that is what I do best. Why wait for someone else to disappoint you, when you can disappoint yourself in half the time? I have become so comfortable with loneliness because it is better than in a room of people and pretending to smile. Goddamn, I was so sick of pretending that I was alright, that at night I didn't cry until the sun came up and wish the world would crumble. Mostly I fear I am not strong enough to deal with the pain of that wound again, that it will be the final nail in the coffin. I also fear happiness, being comfortable only to have it taken away again. I fear friendship, having no place to hide, no one I can fool with a false smile. It shocks me how I see myself. I see my self as a monster or type of ticking bomb. Feeling the need to warn people of what they are getting themselves into, that I am not easy to be around or call a friend, that I will try to scratch and kick my way away from you to go back into hiding, into the dark lair of my mind where I can be fully sick without harming those around me. This isn't about this one class, its a much bigger issue. One I dont think I will ever conquer. As I fall asleep tonight listening to the steady rain I must remind myself that whenever I chose I can be the rain, and the sun that comes after it.
Noelle H.
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