Side Effects

My head hurts and I am feeling spacey as usual. It is probably because I havent taken my medicine today. I wonder if these thoughts are just side effects or the medicine covers them up with chemicals. Thats how I tend to feel about everything lately is it a side effect, a false feeling or a true feeling? I dont fucking know i'm confusing my own goddamn self. Listening to a playlist called "songs that make me cry" probably isnt helping. This blog has somewhat turned into my diary, so I'm sure no one reads these. I'm not sure if that is comforting or concerning.

I feel more alone and frustrated than I ever have. Emotional neglect is the most painful wound I have ever experienced. More than any broken bone,twisted ankle, or cut. To be the problem child for simply being. Everything you do adding to the list of reasons why you are diffucult child, why it makes it hard to be around you. When I think about all the shit I have gone through it is no shock how fucked up I am or how much I hate myself. I was conditioned to, trained to look in the mirror and only see the cellulite,the non-blue eyes and frizzy hair. I hate my mother for every bad thought she put into my head for the past 17 years. It has become appearant to me that people see me and think that nothing is wrong in my life. I remember talking to a consular about my mom and he said that there were other kids with "real problems" like physically abusive parents or who cut patterns into their arms with razors. I had encoutered neglect again and again in my life, by friends but mostly family. It makes me want to numb myself as stupid as that sounds, there has been times when drugs and alcohol seem like a good solution to this side effect of a life. When I let people into my troubles they are shocked, I mean look like I dont have any problems.But like most things I was conditioned to not let others in to my problems, that if you look and speak well they will think all is well the rest is your problem. I feel my anger for my mother building up more and more, almost tangible. Each selfish action she does makes me want to explode with frustration and never talk to her again.

I am one of those people to fish for compliments and affection. It pushes many people away and I dont blame them. When you are denied such simple affection at home you search for it through other ways such as fishing for compliments or flirting the two I am most guilty of. It scares me how much I crave it like a drug. To be approved, but when they say it I never believe them, thats the funny part. You could tattoo my name to your forehead, or be married to me for 30 years and everyday I will still question whether its true or not.

The area where most of my self hatred stems from is my body. I constantly scope around others around me, calculate in my head how much taller they are than me or shorter, how much more or less they weigh, how clear their skin is,etc. Its mentally exhausting to go out in public at times. I see pictures of girls with protruding bones underneath a thin sheet of flesh, sunken eyes and I envy them. I envy the courage and self control to not eat and limit your intake, or stick your finger down your throat after every calorie. I wish I could do the same but I am weak and too cowardly. I know this is unhealthy. I am fat, to me I am plus size more than plus size. My stomach protrudes instead of bones, I am utterly disgusting.

It is 3am, so I am going to go try to sleep.

Noelle