Side Effects

My head hurts and I am feeling spacey as usual. It is probably because I havent taken my medicine today. I wonder if these thoughts are just side effects or the medicine covers them up with chemicals. Thats how I tend to feel about everything lately is it a side effect, a false feeling or a true feeling? I dont fucking know i'm confusing my own goddamn self. Listening to a playlist called "songs that make me cry" probably isnt helping. This blog has somewhat turned into my diary, so I'm sure no one reads these. I'm not sure if that is comforting or concerning.

I feel more alone and frustrated than I ever have. Emotional neglect is the most painful wound I have ever experienced. More than any broken bone,twisted ankle, or cut. To be the problem child for simply being. Everything you do adding to the list of reasons why you are diffucult child, why it makes it hard to be around you. When I think about all the shit I have gone through it is no shock how fucked up I am or how much I hate myself. I was conditioned to, trained to look in the mirror and only see the cellulite,the non-blue eyes and frizzy hair. I hate my mother for every bad thought she put into my head for the past 17 years. It has become appearant to me that people see me and think that nothing is wrong in my life. I remember talking to a consular about my mom and he said that there were other kids with "real problems" like physically abusive parents or who cut patterns into their arms with razors. I had encoutered neglect again and again in my life, by friends but mostly family. It makes me want to numb myself as stupid as that sounds, there has been times when drugs and alcohol seem like a good solution to this side effect of a life. When I let people into my troubles they are shocked, I mean look like I dont have any problems.But like most things I was conditioned to not let others in to my problems, that if you look and speak well they will think all is well the rest is your problem. I feel my anger for my mother building up more and more, almost tangible. Each selfish action she does makes me want to explode with frustration and never talk to her again.

I am one of those people to fish for compliments and affection. It pushes many people away and I dont blame them. When you are denied such simple affection at home you search for it through other ways such as fishing for compliments or flirting the two I am most guilty of. It scares me how much I crave it like a drug. To be approved, but when they say it I never believe them, thats the funny part. You could tattoo my name to your forehead, or be married to me for 30 years and everyday I will still question whether its true or not.

The area where most of my self hatred stems from is my body. I constantly scope around others around me, calculate in my head how much taller they are than me or shorter, how much more or less they weigh, how clear their skin is,etc. Its mentally exhausting to go out in public at times. I see pictures of girls with protruding bones underneath a thin sheet of flesh, sunken eyes and I envy them. I envy the courage and self control to not eat and limit your intake, or stick your finger down your throat after every calorie. I wish I could do the same but I am weak and too cowardly. I know this is unhealthy. I am fat, to me I am plus size more than plus size. My stomach protrudes instead of bones, I am utterly disgusting.

It is 3am, so I am going to go try to sleep.

Noelle

Dear Schools..

(This does not apply to all schools/high schools but it does apply to many I know. I am angry so expect some foul language. I think it is appropriate.)

Dear Schools,

You are constantly wondering why students don’t come to you when they were suicidal or upset, or with a mental health issue. I will tell you why. They are scared. They have a right to be with what you do to them when they actually do trust you. You know what you do when a student says they are suicidal? You kick them out of your precious school. Why? I ask myself the same too. Because you don’t want to be that school. You know what I mean. That school with the student who jumped off a bridge and everyone says “why didn’t they do something." . You rather have them feel alone then “poison" your reputation. Another thing. Maybe if you got your head out of your asses and worried less about your goddamn attendance record and more about the mental welfare of your students things would change. Instead of treating them like a delinquent or even worse just a kid. The truth is no matter how much you want to lie to yourself and say that we couldn’t do anything maybe think fucking twice. This IS a problem and a big one. They way that I personally was treated when I told my school I had a mental problem, an illness, something that was eating me up inside was heartbreaking and I don’t want ANYONE to feel like I did. I was told it was just a phase treated as if I did this to myself, I choose to have panic attacks every morning and wake up wishing I wasn’t alive. I was threatened and sent many court notices. I even had a doctors note and that wasn’t enough for your sorry asses.  Stop dismissing the problem as “well they are just being a teenager". It fucking does nothing but make them feel worse. If this doesn’t apply to your school then I am so glad you are the few of the schools of have gotten their shit together and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Luckily I got out of my high school and onto an online school for the time being. To my highschool I would just like to say one last fuck you. (Minus the few of people who did understand you are the best and I’m sorry you have to work there.)


P.S.
If you are reading this and this applies to your school feel free to talk to me. Or if you have any sort of issue or something you need advice on I am here to help as much as I can. Know that schools cater to the majority of people. There is nothing wrong with being outside of that majority of people no matter how your school makes you feel about it. You are a creative individual who is going through a tough time that will make you so much stronger though it may feel like a disability. You know you best and don’t let anyone tell you different. 

(lack of) Mental Illness Education

     Something upsets me on a daily basis and that is how the school treated me and continues to treat others who suffer from mental illness. Not only school but society in general.  While I was in “normal school" (i am enrolled in online school atm) and started to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks the school treated me differently. They treated me as if I was an inconvenience and that I was crazy.  They had in their mind this was just some behavior I was choosing to do to get back at them or some shit. Basically punish me and my parents for something I could not control. When I would go to teachers who said I could talk to them about anything about my mental state and how I was feeling, I was either shunned away and told to just deal with it or that they had already made changes for me so why should they make more? I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. It simply is frustrating. Society doesn’t take mental disorders seriously. As there is a part of society that uses mental disorders as adjectives. For example “I lost my phone, I’m so depressed." Which when a depressed person hears this they become extremely frustrated because that isn’t remotely close to the feeling of depression and when they tell others how they have been suffering from it they take it lightly. Also calling someone who has a mental disorder crazy or psycho EVEN IF YOU ARE JOKING is never okay. Also teachers if a kid is getting bullied simply just saying “ignore them" is not going to solve the problem. Action needs to be taken. Most kids who had been mistreated by school systems like I had resort to other alternatives like online school. But what if they didn't have to? Maybe it is better they do and stop being in schools where ignorance is a trend.