I've always been told that rain symbolizes a new beginning. It cleanses the air, and washes away the toxins in the earth. As the rain gently knocks on my window pane I can't help but think of this. My mind hasn't been this crowded is many months. I am supposed to start at a new school Friday and take an art class there once a week. I am scared out of my mind. Scared of the many things I was so certain I had conquered. I fear I will sabotage a great opportunity, as it seems, that is what I do best. Why wait for someone else to disappoint you, when you can disappoint yourself in half the time? I have become so comfortable with loneliness because it is better than in a room of people and pretending to smile. Goddamn, I was so sick of pretending that I was alright, that at night I didn't cry until the sun came up and wish the world would crumble. Mostly I fear I am not strong enough to deal with the pain of that wound again, that it will be the final nail in the coffin. I also fear happiness, being comfortable only to have it taken away again. I fear friendship, having no place to hide, no one I can fool with a false smile. It shocks me how I see myself. I see my self as a monster or type of ticking bomb. Feeling the need to warn people of what they are getting themselves into, that I am not easy to be around or call a friend, that I will try to scratch and kick my way away from you to go back into hiding, into the dark lair of my mind where I can be fully sick without harming those around me. This isn't about this one class, its a much bigger issue. One I dont think I will ever conquer. As I fall asleep tonight listening to the steady rain I must remind myself that whenever I chose I can be the rain, and the sun that comes after it.
Noelle H.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I Know Its Over
His voice wraps around my soul and grasps tight leaving me breathless.
If only he came back to me.
With his angelic eyes filled with such sorrow it left you bruised.
He had a drug to kill every pain but silence.
He pushed away the person who would’ve saved him.
But I guess that was the mistake,
thinking he would want to be saved.
I tried,
Goddamn did I try.
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Journey To Self Acceptance:Body Image
I apologize for my absence as usual but my life and school has been crazy as always. Since we are on the topic of apologies I also apologize for the cheesy title but I wasn't sure what else to name this so we will just have to deal with it, as well as this being all over the place.Anyways! Lets begin!
I have had a low self esteem/self image since I can remember, I feel as though I was trained to hate myself. I mean how could I not? I was (and still am) reminded on a daily basis of all of my faults by my mother,society, and the media. I was taught that loving yourself was selfish and narcissistic. As well others opinions were priority to yours. That's why I use the word trained because like soldiers who are trained to battle, I was trained to battle with myself because it would grow character and make me strong in the end.
Lets start with the biggest influence to my self image, my mother. But it isn't only her who I blame but my father as well. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother yelling at my sister who did ballet and telling her that she was fat,talentless,lazy and it wasn't a mystery why she never got lead parts. Along with that my mother is very critical of others, especially strangers. Whether it's someone on TV,herself,or a stranger in public there is always a negative comment. Before I knew the reason behind this I thought that she was secretly trying to tell me something about me she didn't like but just projecting it on strangers. Where my father comes in on all of this is he does it as much as she does, and when my mother is extremely critical of me or my sister my dad does nothing. He just gets up and leaves,leaving us to be an easy target and direct hit for our mother's rage. I remember in 8th grade health we had a week on eating disorders, and our teacher said something that made a switch turn on in my head, he said, "Parents don't realize what they say about their own and others bodies their children can't help but think the same about their own." Why this was so important to me was I realized that I wasn't crazy for feeling that what my mother was saying was about me. As well that my mother was a big source of my self hatred.
When I got into my teens (middle school-high school) society and media started having a biggest impact on my self image. Being tall (5ft 9in) I was always known as "tall and skinny" and that if I was tall I had to be skinny as well or else I didn't fit. With the rise of commercials about how embarrassing/ugly pimples are or how having glasses (which I had all through middle school) makes you unsuccessful I felt like my natural self wasn't good enough. Middle school was also when my interest in fashion increased, I couldn't help but being bombarded with pictures of stick thin models who had perfect skin and cheekbones that could kill. I began to become obsessed with the industry and models, I wanted to be the picture on the cover. I would look up the current models like Karlie Kloss,Coco Rocha,Lindsey Wixson,Daphne Groeneveld,etc and calculate how much taller they were than me, how much smaller their measurements were than mine. I began restricting what I ate, eating only 1-2 meals a day.I have thought about going into modeling but have always said I wasn't pretty enough, or skinny enough, and still feel that way. I know now there are healthy ways to stay fit/slim and it isn't about being model skinny, but healthy.
Okay this is the final paragraph, I swear. If you don't read all of this at least read this paragraph because this is probably the most important one. I've gone over all the things that fueled my self hatred but how do we get to self acceptance? Well my friend, that's the hard part but I will try and help and share some things that through therapy and life I have realized. Learning to love yourself won't be easy and it won't be a quick thing. You have to basically reprogram the way you think and start over. This is the only body you have sure they're are things like plastic surgery but no amount of surgery will change your brain. Find the beauty in imperfections and how your imperfections are what make you unique. Don't see them as faults but as little things that make up who you are. Your love for yourself can't be conditional, you can't only love yourself for only the good days, or all the things that you like about yourself, it just isn't realistic. Accept the things you can't change and work to improve the things you can. For example I hate my skin, its terrible and acne ridden. That's something I can change though and work to improve. Something like your height isn't as easy, you have to tell yourself every time that voice comes up telling you how short/tall you are that it doesn't control you and you were born this way (insert lady gaga dance break) there is nothing you can do to change it so why hate yourself for it? Your height,weight, and features do not define you as a person and you shouldn't stand by and let them dictate your life. You don't control what you were born with but you control how you feel about it and how you learn to love and accept it. There are too many people in this world who will try to break you down or make you feel inferior, you can't be one of them.
“You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg
I have had a low self esteem/self image since I can remember, I feel as though I was trained to hate myself. I mean how could I not? I was (and still am) reminded on a daily basis of all of my faults by my mother,society, and the media. I was taught that loving yourself was selfish and narcissistic. As well others opinions were priority to yours. That's why I use the word trained because like soldiers who are trained to battle, I was trained to battle with myself because it would grow character and make me strong in the end.
Lets start with the biggest influence to my self image, my mother. But it isn't only her who I blame but my father as well. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother yelling at my sister who did ballet and telling her that she was fat,talentless,lazy and it wasn't a mystery why she never got lead parts. Along with that my mother is very critical of others, especially strangers. Whether it's someone on TV,herself,or a stranger in public there is always a negative comment. Before I knew the reason behind this I thought that she was secretly trying to tell me something about me she didn't like but just projecting it on strangers. Where my father comes in on all of this is he does it as much as she does, and when my mother is extremely critical of me or my sister my dad does nothing. He just gets up and leaves,leaving us to be an easy target and direct hit for our mother's rage. I remember in 8th grade health we had a week on eating disorders, and our teacher said something that made a switch turn on in my head, he said, "Parents don't realize what they say about their own and others bodies their children can't help but think the same about their own." Why this was so important to me was I realized that I wasn't crazy for feeling that what my mother was saying was about me. As well that my mother was a big source of my self hatred.
When I got into my teens (middle school-high school) society and media started having a biggest impact on my self image. Being tall (5ft 9in) I was always known as "tall and skinny" and that if I was tall I had to be skinny as well or else I didn't fit. With the rise of commercials about how embarrassing/ugly pimples are or how having glasses (which I had all through middle school) makes you unsuccessful I felt like my natural self wasn't good enough. Middle school was also when my interest in fashion increased, I couldn't help but being bombarded with pictures of stick thin models who had perfect skin and cheekbones that could kill. I began to become obsessed with the industry and models, I wanted to be the picture on the cover. I would look up the current models like Karlie Kloss,Coco Rocha,Lindsey Wixson,Daphne Groeneveld,etc and calculate how much taller they were than me, how much smaller their measurements were than mine. I began restricting what I ate, eating only 1-2 meals a day.I have thought about going into modeling but have always said I wasn't pretty enough, or skinny enough, and still feel that way. I know now there are healthy ways to stay fit/slim and it isn't about being model skinny, but healthy.
Okay this is the final paragraph, I swear. If you don't read all of this at least read this paragraph because this is probably the most important one. I've gone over all the things that fueled my self hatred but how do we get to self acceptance? Well my friend, that's the hard part but I will try and help and share some things that through therapy and life I have realized. Learning to love yourself won't be easy and it won't be a quick thing. You have to basically reprogram the way you think and start over. This is the only body you have sure they're are things like plastic surgery but no amount of surgery will change your brain. Find the beauty in imperfections and how your imperfections are what make you unique. Don't see them as faults but as little things that make up who you are. Your love for yourself can't be conditional, you can't only love yourself for only the good days, or all the things that you like about yourself, it just isn't realistic. Accept the things you can't change and work to improve the things you can. For example I hate my skin, its terrible and acne ridden. That's something I can change though and work to improve. Something like your height isn't as easy, you have to tell yourself every time that voice comes up telling you how short/tall you are that it doesn't control you and you were born this way (insert lady gaga dance break) there is nothing you can do to change it so why hate yourself for it? Your height,weight, and features do not define you as a person and you shouldn't stand by and let them dictate your life. You don't control what you were born with but you control how you feel about it and how you learn to love and accept it. There are too many people in this world who will try to break you down or make you feel inferior, you can't be one of them.
“You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
― Diane Von Furstenberg
Saturday, June 29, 2013
(lack of) Mental Illness Education
Something upsets me on a daily basis and that is how the school treated me and continues to treat others who suffer from mental illness. Not only school but society in general. While I was in “normal school" (i am enrolled in online school atm) and started to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks the school treated me differently. They treated me as if I was an inconvenience and that I was crazy. They had in their mind this was just some behavior I was choosing to do to get back at them or some shit. Basically punish me and my parents for something I could not control. When I would go to teachers who said I could talk to them about anything about my mental state and how I was feeling, I was either shunned away and told to just deal with it or that they had already made changes for me so why should they make more? I know I am not the only one who has felt this way. It simply is frustrating. Society doesn’t take mental disorders seriously. As there is a part of society that uses mental disorders as adjectives. For example “I lost my phone, I’m so depressed." Which when a depressed person hears this they become extremely frustrated because that isn’t remotely close to the feeling of depression and when they tell others how they have been suffering from it they take it lightly. Also calling someone who has a mental disorder crazy or psycho EVEN IF YOU ARE JOKING is never okay. Also teachers if a kid is getting bullied simply just saying “ignore them" is not going to solve the problem. Action needs to be taken. Most kids who had been mistreated by school systems like I had resort to other alternatives like online school. But what if they didn't have to? Maybe it is better they do and stop being in schools where ignorance is a trend.
But!
I am so sick of buts. some examples:
- I’m not saying they asked for it but they could have prevented it.
- I know they don’t have control over their disorder but they chose to be sick and made the choices.
- I’m not saying its wrong to be homosexual but they will go to hell.
- Your body is great but you could she a few pounds, sweetie.
- I know I say hurtful things but you just need to take it better and not be so sensitive.
- No offense but…
If you wouldn’t say it without the but or no offense in it then don’t say it at all. An extra word doesn’t change the meaning, it still hurts.
How Do YOU Feel?
What are feelings really? What we think is correct to “feel?”. But there really is no correct answer or way to feel. Why should we hate those who have different minds then us? What we think is correct I promise you someone will think is incorrect. Who says they are wrong? Everyone has their own dictionary, their own definition for words or feelings. Love to one person could mean undying devotion while to another it could be the simple way he/she smiles at you in the morning. Who are we to play the judge and say “shut up you are incorrect and I am right!” . Why can’t we just say “Okay, well that is your opinion and I have mine.” and walk away? Why do we fight and argue over things we will forget in 20 years. Or feel the need to tell people why they don’t fit in when we don’t even know the guidelines ourselves or if we even fit in them. Anyways what I guess the moral is never get mad at somebody for feeling/ not feeling something or tell a person what he or she is. Be who you want to be, stick to your instincts, as long as you respect yourself and others why should they care or try and stop you? You have an identity a meaning behind that name of yours and never, never let anyone take that away from you.
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