Me & Relationships

 The night before a therapy appointment is always sleepless but thoughtful. I'm always thinking what is the most important things I should talk about? Last week I spent most of the appointment talking about relationships/friendships. It got me thinking and wondering if others felt the same.

I am cursed with caring about people too much. I constantly need to be validated and assured that the person cares about me as much as I care about them. When I brought this up in therapy and said "I have no idea why I am like this...." my therapist cocked her head to the side and said "Really..you have no idea..take a guess." I knew exactly what she meant.

You always hear about girls having "daddy issues" but I have mommy issues. My mother is a cold, unaffectionate,bitter person. It has caused me to crave affections from others, more than often male attention. Usually from whatever dickbag will give me the time of day, but not always. I have one incident that has left a mental scar. I had someone who I extremely cared for, to the point where I would've died for him. I never knew where I stood with him. One day he would grab me by the waist or give me his jacket, the next day he wouldn't even wave to me in the halls. From that point on I needed to be assured a person I was putting my energy into really cared. I also felt like nobody would want me, I know at 17 this is a ridiculous feeling. I feel like I should take what I can get and hold on for dear life until fingers fall off because I may not get something better. There is one lack of something this is the result of, confidence. I have no confidence in myself or self worth. I have been in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships in the past, not necessarily boyfriends but friends..and am still in one with my mother. I am damaged.

If I would want somebody to know anything before they became friends with me or even my partner it would be the things above. Please do not get scared when I text you 6 times in the middle of the night asking you if I am pretty, or if you still care about me...it means I care about you. Thank you for reading.

XX
Noelle