As I grow older the things that I notice are different between male and females seem to grow and grow. One of those things I have noticed recently is sex. During puberty and my 8th grade sex ed class it was stated how boys may have these "urges" and its perfect normal to act on them aka masturbation. None of this urges were addressed to the females in the room. You saw the same in media/tv shows it always showed boys watching porn and boys jacking off in their room to a Carmen Electra poster. When I hung out with my guy friends they would talk about who they wanted to bang or how they fingered their girlfriend while if I said anything sexual I would get met with a laugh and a stare. It doesn't help that I live in a family where sex is something that is never talked about so I always conditioned to think sex/masturbation was taboo. During puberty I found myself ashamed of the urges and thoughts I was having pushing them down into the basement of my mind. Why is it when a girl is sexual its seen as being a whore while when boys are sexual its totally normal and expected? I hate to break it to you but we think about sex a lot actually.
Until about a few days ago I had never masturbated. I know this is probably tmi but just hear me out. I realized what is the point of not confronting these urges...where they painful to others? Were they unnatural? The answer was No. I read advice columns that made me realize there was nothing to be ashamed of. I no longer feel like there my vagina is a "no no" zone. It isn't an area I have to be afraid of.
Another thing that seems to be perfectly normal for men but not for females, at least in societies eyes is sexual thoughts/attraction. Even something as innocent as crushes is an example of this. I have many celebrities on my crush list and if one of them was one TV and I would gush over them I was met with my brothers saying "Get a room! God your are so gross." It wasnt like I was like "oh man I wish I could fuck that guy", I would just be like "Dangggg he is such a cutie, I cant even." Now I ask you to imagine if it was a boy who gushed over a woman he found "hot" would he be met with the same reaction? NO. Why does society make such an effort to smash women's sexuality? Just because we dont get hard everytime we see a boob doesnt mean we dont have urges or get turned on.
So my main point is don't be ashamed of your feelings. Whether you have urges or not. There is nothing wrong with exploring and finding what gets you off. Watch porn! Sexuality/being sexual isn't a boys only club. I wish it wasn't seen as so taboo for a woman be sexual,or shamed.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Me & Relationships
The night before a therapy appointment is always sleepless but thoughtful. I'm always thinking what is the most important things I should talk about? Last week I spent most of the appointment talking about relationships/friendships. It got me thinking and wondering if others felt the same.
I am cursed with caring about people too much. I constantly need to be validated and assured that the person cares about me as much as I care about them. When I brought this up in therapy and said "I have no idea why I am like this...." my therapist cocked her head to the side and said "Really..you have no idea..take a guess." I knew exactly what she meant.
You always hear about girls having "daddy issues" but I have mommy issues. My mother is a cold, unaffectionate,bitter person. It has caused me to crave affections from others, more than often male attention. Usually from whatever dickbag will give me the time of day, but not always. I have one incident that has left a mental scar. I had someone who I extremely cared for, to the point where I would've died for him. I never knew where I stood with him. One day he would grab me by the waist or give me his jacket, the next day he wouldn't even wave to me in the halls. From that point on I needed to be assured a person I was putting my energy into really cared. I also felt like nobody would want me, I know at 17 this is a ridiculous feeling. I feel like I should take what I can get and hold on for dear life until fingers fall off because I may not get something better. There is one lack of something this is the result of, confidence. I have no confidence in myself or self worth. I have been in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships in the past, not necessarily boyfriends but friends..and am still in one with my mother. I am damaged.
If I would want somebody to know anything before they became friends with me or even my partner it would be the things above. Please do not get scared when I text you 6 times in the middle of the night asking you if I am pretty, or if you still care about me...it means I care about you. Thank you for reading.
XX
Noelle
I am cursed with caring about people too much. I constantly need to be validated and assured that the person cares about me as much as I care about them. When I brought this up in therapy and said "I have no idea why I am like this...." my therapist cocked her head to the side and said "Really..you have no idea..take a guess." I knew exactly what she meant.
You always hear about girls having "daddy issues" but I have mommy issues. My mother is a cold, unaffectionate,bitter person. It has caused me to crave affections from others, more than often male attention. Usually from whatever dickbag will give me the time of day, but not always. I have one incident that has left a mental scar. I had someone who I extremely cared for, to the point where I would've died for him. I never knew where I stood with him. One day he would grab me by the waist or give me his jacket, the next day he wouldn't even wave to me in the halls. From that point on I needed to be assured a person I was putting my energy into really cared. I also felt like nobody would want me, I know at 17 this is a ridiculous feeling. I feel like I should take what I can get and hold on for dear life until fingers fall off because I may not get something better. There is one lack of something this is the result of, confidence. I have no confidence in myself or self worth. I have been in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships in the past, not necessarily boyfriends but friends..and am still in one with my mother. I am damaged.
If I would want somebody to know anything before they became friends with me or even my partner it would be the things above. Please do not get scared when I text you 6 times in the middle of the night asking you if I am pretty, or if you still care about me...it means I care about you. Thank you for reading.
XX
Noelle
Monday, April 7, 2014
"Girl Power" vs Feminism
So as I child I was obsessed with the spice
girls, I had the movie on VHS, the greatest hits CD, the magazine from a
concert my older sister went to etc. There was one phrase that was
always repeated and followed by a peace sign "Girl Power!".
Now that I’m older I wonder what this exclamation really means. As I
become a feminist and looked into people I had always admired and
claimed they believed in girl power I read the things they said that
seemed to contradict that statement such as how Ginger Spice herself,
Geri Halliwell, said, “For me feminism is bra-burning lesbianism. It’s very unglamorous” and
this wasn’t an uncommon reaction. I was disappointing and frankly
didn’t quite understand the difference between “girl power” and
feminism. But I think I’ve come to a conclusion. Girl power is a watered
down,pacifist, way to say you believe in women’s rights issues,without
taking the responsibility of the reactions you may receive and your
beliefs. Its the media’s version of a way to profit of feminism without
things getting too out of hand or people becoming to involved.
Apparently feminism is a bad word (I even heard someone refer to it as
the “f word”) but if we dress it in pink, stick some flowers on it and
call it “Girl Power” its alright.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Satisfied Mind
I've always been told that rain symbolizes a new beginning. It cleanses the air, and washes away the toxins in the earth. As the rain gently knocks on my window pane I can't help but think of this. My mind hasn't been this crowded is many months. I am supposed to start at a new school Friday and take an art class there once a week. I am scared out of my mind. Scared of the many things I was so certain I had conquered. I fear I will sabotage a great opportunity, as it seems, that is what I do best. Why wait for someone else to disappoint you, when you can disappoint yourself in half the time? I have become so comfortable with loneliness because it is better than in a room of people and pretending to smile. Goddamn, I was so sick of pretending that I was alright, that at night I didn't cry until the sun came up and wish the world would crumble. Mostly I fear I am not strong enough to deal with the pain of that wound again, that it will be the final nail in the coffin. I also fear happiness, being comfortable only to have it taken away again. I fear friendship, having no place to hide, no one I can fool with a false smile. It shocks me how I see myself. I see my self as a monster or type of ticking bomb. Feeling the need to warn people of what they are getting themselves into, that I am not easy to be around or call a friend, that I will try to scratch and kick my way away from you to go back into hiding, into the dark lair of my mind where I can be fully sick without harming those around me. This isn't about this one class, its a much bigger issue. One I dont think I will ever conquer. As I fall asleep tonight listening to the steady rain I must remind myself that whenever I chose I can be the rain, and the sun that comes after it.
Noelle H.
Noelle H.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Side Effects
My head hurts and I am feeling spacey as usual. It
is probably because I havent taken my medicine today. I wonder if these
thoughts are just side effects or the medicine covers them up with
chemicals. Thats how I tend to feel about everything lately is it a side
effect, a false feeling or a true feeling? I dont fucking know i'm
confusing my own goddamn self. Listening to a playlist called "songs
that make me cry" probably isnt helping. This blog has somewhat turned into my diary, so I'm sure no one reads these. I'm not sure if that is comforting or concerning.
I feel more alone and frustrated than I ever have. Emotional neglect is the most painful wound I have ever experienced. More than any broken bone,twisted ankle, or cut. To be the problem child for simply being. Everything you do adding to the list of reasons why you are diffucult child, why it makes it hard to be around you. When I think about all the shit I have gone through it is no shock how fucked up I am or how much I hate myself. I was conditioned to, trained to look in the mirror and only see the cellulite,the non-blue eyes and frizzy hair. I hate my mother for every bad thought she put into my head for the past 17 years. It has become appearant to me that people see me and think that nothing is wrong in my life. I remember talking to a consular about my mom and he said that there were other kids with "real problems" like physically abusive parents or who cut patterns into their arms with razors. I had encoutered neglect again and again in my life, by friends but mostly family. It makes me want to numb myself as stupid as that sounds, there has been times when drugs and alcohol seem like a good solution to this side effect of a life. When I let people into my troubles they are shocked, I mean look like I dont have any problems.But like most things I was conditioned to not let others in to my problems, that if you look and speak well they will think all is well the rest is your problem. I feel my anger for my mother building up more and more, almost tangible. Each selfish action she does makes me want to explode with frustration and never talk to her again.
I am one of those people to fish for compliments and affection. It pushes many people away and I dont blame them. When you are denied such simple affection at home you search for it through other ways such as fishing for compliments or flirting the two I am most guilty of. It scares me how much I crave it like a drug. To be approved, but when they say it I never believe them, thats the funny part. You could tattoo my name to your forehead, or be married to me for 30 years and everyday I will still question whether its true or not.
The area where most of my self hatred stems from is my body. I constantly scope around others around me, calculate in my head how much taller they are than me or shorter, how much more or less they weigh, how clear their skin is,etc. Its mentally exhausting to go out in public at times. I see pictures of girls with protruding bones underneath a thin sheet of flesh, sunken eyes and I envy them. I envy the courage and self control to not eat and limit your intake, or stick your finger down your throat after every calorie. I wish I could do the same but I am weak and too cowardly. I know this is unhealthy. I am fat, to me I am plus size more than plus size. My stomach protrudes instead of bones, I am utterly disgusting.
It is 3am, so I am going to go try to sleep.
Noelle
I feel more alone and frustrated than I ever have. Emotional neglect is the most painful wound I have ever experienced. More than any broken bone,twisted ankle, or cut. To be the problem child for simply being. Everything you do adding to the list of reasons why you are diffucult child, why it makes it hard to be around you. When I think about all the shit I have gone through it is no shock how fucked up I am or how much I hate myself. I was conditioned to, trained to look in the mirror and only see the cellulite,the non-blue eyes and frizzy hair. I hate my mother for every bad thought she put into my head for the past 17 years. It has become appearant to me that people see me and think that nothing is wrong in my life. I remember talking to a consular about my mom and he said that there were other kids with "real problems" like physically abusive parents or who cut patterns into their arms with razors. I had encoutered neglect again and again in my life, by friends but mostly family. It makes me want to numb myself as stupid as that sounds, there has been times when drugs and alcohol seem like a good solution to this side effect of a life. When I let people into my troubles they are shocked, I mean look like I dont have any problems.But like most things I was conditioned to not let others in to my problems, that if you look and speak well they will think all is well the rest is your problem. I feel my anger for my mother building up more and more, almost tangible. Each selfish action she does makes me want to explode with frustration and never talk to her again.
I am one of those people to fish for compliments and affection. It pushes many people away and I dont blame them. When you are denied such simple affection at home you search for it through other ways such as fishing for compliments or flirting the two I am most guilty of. It scares me how much I crave it like a drug. To be approved, but when they say it I never believe them, thats the funny part. You could tattoo my name to your forehead, or be married to me for 30 years and everyday I will still question whether its true or not.
The area where most of my self hatred stems from is my body. I constantly scope around others around me, calculate in my head how much taller they are than me or shorter, how much more or less they weigh, how clear their skin is,etc. Its mentally exhausting to go out in public at times. I see pictures of girls with protruding bones underneath a thin sheet of flesh, sunken eyes and I envy them. I envy the courage and self control to not eat and limit your intake, or stick your finger down your throat after every calorie. I wish I could do the same but I am weak and too cowardly. I know this is unhealthy. I am fat, to me I am plus size more than plus size. My stomach protrudes instead of bones, I am utterly disgusting.
It is 3am, so I am going to go try to sleep.
Noelle
Monday, March 17, 2014
The War Against Myself
Writing this is someone difficult and its 4am but I feel like I need to purge these thoughts. I am reluctant to say I have a disorder because to be honest I don't think I do...yet, but if this continues I know I will lose myself to this side of me. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and one little gust of wind will send me into the depths below.
I can't remember the exact moment I decided I was ugly and fat. The thing I can remember is the moments that contributed to this fucked up mentality. Beginning with my mother constantly calling herself,the women on tv, and most of all my sister "fat" "heifers" and "disgusting".Then came the long time "best friend" who used me as her personal dart board, knowing where to throw the darts that hit just the right pressure points, as well as using me as a an example of what not to look like during her Eating Disorder. Constantly making sure to eat less than me, weight less than me, and remind me of this fact if not consciously than physically with her 5ft 11in frame and bones protruding through her skin. The boy who I would've died for, and almost did in years to come, that chose her over me on multiple accounts, and the many boys who fell suit after. I remember I time I used to be able to swat away these thoughts like little gnats, but now they aren't gnats, they are swarms of bee's stinging and living scars. There are days when eating becomes a chore something that has to be done to survive.
When I look into the mirror I see my protruding stomach,my large thighs, stretch marks,ripples of cellulite even thinking about it makes me shudder. I claim to not have a disorder because I dont act on the thoughts. I dont purge through exercise,laxatives or throwing up, I dont count calories or weigh myself daily and dont think I've lost a lot of weight. Part of me is mad at myself for that, screaming "You coward, why cant you do these things. You are a goddamn coward that will die alone and fat." I enjoy food, I love to cook and go out to eat but I dont enjoy guilt. I don't enjoy the disgust with myself as I ponder what I just ate and how much I need to work out. I have tried working out but fear it will become an obsession, like it did for my "best friend". I look at pictures of girls with bones poking out of their bodies and sick sallow faces and a voice says "This could be you if you don't stop this crazy thinking right this moment." but another voice says "This could be you! You could be model skinny! See every collar bone, no more jiggling thighs!". The fighting between these voices exhaust me to the point of becoming physically exhausting making it easier to just sleep away the guilt.
I hope one day I can look at my body and see the beauty in it, the curves and find them beautiful instead of grotesque. I hope to be able to look into my eyes and generally feel like I am beautiful, that I should walk with pride. I dont see that happening anytime soon. I will just keep being trapped in the tornado of my thoughts, slowly becoming more and more obsessed, until it either consumes me or I finally win the battle against myself.
I can't remember the exact moment I decided I was ugly and fat. The thing I can remember is the moments that contributed to this fucked up mentality. Beginning with my mother constantly calling herself,the women on tv, and most of all my sister "fat" "heifers" and "disgusting".Then came the long time "best friend" who used me as her personal dart board, knowing where to throw the darts that hit just the right pressure points, as well as using me as a an example of what not to look like during her Eating Disorder. Constantly making sure to eat less than me, weight less than me, and remind me of this fact if not consciously than physically with her 5ft 11in frame and bones protruding through her skin. The boy who I would've died for, and almost did in years to come, that chose her over me on multiple accounts, and the many boys who fell suit after. I remember I time I used to be able to swat away these thoughts like little gnats, but now they aren't gnats, they are swarms of bee's stinging and living scars. There are days when eating becomes a chore something that has to be done to survive.
When I look into the mirror I see my protruding stomach,my large thighs, stretch marks,ripples of cellulite even thinking about it makes me shudder. I claim to not have a disorder because I dont act on the thoughts. I dont purge through exercise,laxatives or throwing up, I dont count calories or weigh myself daily and dont think I've lost a lot of weight. Part of me is mad at myself for that, screaming "You coward, why cant you do these things. You are a goddamn coward that will die alone and fat." I enjoy food, I love to cook and go out to eat but I dont enjoy guilt. I don't enjoy the disgust with myself as I ponder what I just ate and how much I need to work out. I have tried working out but fear it will become an obsession, like it did for my "best friend". I look at pictures of girls with bones poking out of their bodies and sick sallow faces and a voice says "This could be you if you don't stop this crazy thinking right this moment." but another voice says "This could be you! You could be model skinny! See every collar bone, no more jiggling thighs!". The fighting between these voices exhaust me to the point of becoming physically exhausting making it easier to just sleep away the guilt.
I hope one day I can look at my body and see the beauty in it, the curves and find them beautiful instead of grotesque. I hope to be able to look into my eyes and generally feel like I am beautiful, that I should walk with pride. I dont see that happening anytime soon. I will just keep being trapped in the tornado of my thoughts, slowly becoming more and more obsessed, until it either consumes me or I finally win the battle against myself.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
I Know Its Over
His voice wraps around my soul and grasps tight leaving me breathless.
If only he came back to me.
With his angelic eyes filled with such sorrow it left you bruised.
He had a drug to kill every pain but silence.
He pushed away the person who would’ve saved him.
But I guess that was the mistake,
thinking he would want to be saved.
I tried,
Goddamn did I try.
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